Email to Denise
These days I feel like I battle/manage feeling overwhelmed like someone manages diabetes: daily, predictably, and no end in sight. I’m trying to move forward but the barriers to break through or overcome are sometimes exhausting. Then shame joins her friend and tells me I should be accomplishing more than this, have clearer ideas on what to do, I should be contributing more. I fight these battles daily and multiple times a day. Work is a beautiful, worthwhile, and important endeavor laced with healing possibilities to face and confront these unhelpful internal narratives.
I know there’s a path, I know I have passion, I know I am called. (Whatever that means; I know there’s something I can do.) I’m trying to figure it out, day by day. AND, I face a daily battle that I’m often too ashamed to acknowledge. BUT, between a spiritual director, counselor, and coaching support, plus loving and grace-filled and encouraging community, I have helpful scaffolding and trellis upon which i try to build, upon which I hope tomatoes in my life can grow.
Maybe part of my struggle is inherent in writing. Maybe the writer just writes, and the outcome is eternally unknown until it’s revealed taking root in the world. Maybe I’m waiting to know which path is the most helpful, and it’s taking all my energy from just doing the vocalizing on issues, pastoral and theological reflecting, etc. Maybe I’m afraid someone will throw rocks at me for wasting space by blogging. (I grow impatient reading anything online because I fear I should be reading something else, the todo list is always beckoning me; a helicopter parent I’ve employed.) Maybe the inherent invitation and challenge in writing is getting to a space every single day where I write because it is my favorite thing to do, because I enjoy and am created to create in this specific way. Maybe it is from this space where I trust that the writing will find its way somewhere, but my task is to be faithful to it. It is such a challenge in this season of my life to focus on faithfulness to the internal teacher and simple harmony, I am so tempted by the voices that say “read all the books! Have all this done! Make sure it’s impressive! Why aren’t you doing more, these other people are!” I feel weary each day and also too embarrassed to admit it as often as it is true, afraid someone will say I have no right to feel this weary and confused and lost because my struggle is internal and it’s been nearly a year and I should be fine and productive and impressive by now. My inner demons of outward-approval seeking are formidable foes, despite being so obvious in their lies.
All that to say, yes to starting conversations. I feel compelled to be a part of this work. And, I struggle to figure how 1) how to begin, 2) how to continue, 3) how to measure it for my ordination / residency process, 4) how to translate it to the work of making disciples. 5) how to know I am already doing all this work and need to just keep going in whatever tiny size steps I can take at a time.
