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.just in case.

Published on 18th October 2019



Just in case

I tell myself

Hospitality

I tell others

Just in case

But now here I walk

Uphill

Heavy pack

(More than) Enough water

In abundance, I doubt

my pack filled to the brim;

Scarcity, I believe in. 


She died last night

A car accident

She arrives

Another ancestor

She wonders why

my pack is so heavy,

Then muses that hers was, and

Would’ve been

too. Though,

she’d been releasing

And embracing,

And improving.

She smiles.

Pleased, proud, and forgiving

Of all that was

and was not

and won’t be

And will go on. 


She points out

it’s nice

To see mother and son

walk

together.

I hadn’t noticed

until she arrived.

She seemed

peaceful,

Worried

about her kids, and also,

Confident

they’ll find their way.

I hadn’t thought

In years

about our conversations

During my time in high school and college

I don’t think i ever told her

how much

She meant to me

Her life

Worthwhile

Abundant

And now, I grieve.

I carry anger and sorrow

Protective of her loss,

Her what if, happened.

The doing without,

Her.

It’s heavy.

But it honors, I say.

Or does it?

What anger does she now hold?

I carry so much.

Even and especially towards the living. 


How many story possibilities

Do I carry?

If this, then this, then this,

And so on.

Leaning in

And choosing

Involves risk

That I released

The right...

(Is there one?)

Just in case...

Keeps me (with)held

in this space


I throw away

fruit and food

Gone bad

It needs to be eaten

Not tossed and spoiled on a long day’s

Or two

walk. 


Will my life spoil

Or my back sprain

If I live my life by

“just in case”

In this (suit)case

I carry too much

My knees buckle and I wish to travel

lighter

Brighter

Eyes

That trust in the abundance

Up ahead

And within

That if I am cold

Wet

Hungry

Weary

Lonely

Along the way

I will find (and be found)

By warmth

dryness

Respite and rest

Nourishment

Companionship and community 


Just in case

In what way do I work to win

This race?

What pace

Limits me

From embrace? 


Just in case

May keep me

Secure

But heavy

Sustained

But disconnected

Ready

But removed

Can I release

Create more space

For the sake of

embrace

Of this time

This place

This present

This day’s pervasive grace 


But what if..?

I’ll learn.

But what if..?

I’ll grow.

What if..?

I’ll ask, seek.

Or do without.

What if..?

A deep whisper arises,

You’ll have what you need. 


And meanwhile,

Travel lighter

Faster

Embrace more

Receive wider

Connect with others

Lean into the abundance of something shared

Not everything had need be carried

Not everything needed need be brought from yesterday into today



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