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.home. (just for me)

Published on 30th July 2019

.home.

7.29.19

Somewhere ahead

Life is now, but I’m looking for something

Ahead, within

Where?

I remember

I’ve been looking

For a while.

A person?

Someplace?

ahead,

Some knowledge I don’t yet have. 


So I search

And scurry

Wander

Wonder

And worry

I’ll never quite find

Or be found. 


I’m listening for

The sound

Of my name

The place that’s my game

The story

My glory

The place from whence I came.

To belong

To know my own song

How can I find it

Write it

Why do I hide it

Even from my self?


My self

Left so long

On the shelf

Taken down

Dusted off

Hold with care

And dare

To go deeper.

I am home

Not just here

I’m the where. 


Heartbreak, too,

Is home.

To feel and breathe and be

In this skin

I breathe in

The life that’s mine

This here and now. 


It’s my trauma,

And my fears.

It’s my moments,

It’s definitely all my fucking tears.

It’s my work and this sense of success.

It’s deeper than that, it’s wanting less

Of this and more of something

It’s wanting connection

And finding it

Sometimes.

Other times,

Feeling the loneliness of

Not

Quite

Being

Known.

But I’m always

At home

In my own company. 


I can respond to my heart

And hold my little one inner child

And remind her

That in my arms

She’s already and always, home. 


It’s now, this moment

As I watch them walk away

Caring for each other

A love witnessed

Not between spouses

But dedicated companions

On their journey across the grassy field

She walks with a hip limp

He steadies and slows his pace to keep her company

Carrying her things

And stewarding her safety.

They don’t belong together

But choose to be together

Keeping each other company

In the starry and stormy of the night. 


Home

Here

The place I can arrive

Don’t let this life pass me by

Looking for something

I can’t ever lose

It’s here,

In this breath

In this rhythm of writing and waiting and crying

In this nighttime of sleeping and reading

It’s in this new book

And this old puppy sigh

It’s in the waking to the same faces

Working daily at the same spaces

Getting to know them deeper

Each time we arrive. 


It’s now,

Encountering my heart in this day and this moment

Remaining committed to the curiosity

That keeps me cozying up to the stuff of life

It’s now,

In the laughter of improvising together

Learning to weather

Storms together

By saying yes,

And then contributing something else.

Home is the movement

The building

The snuggling

The listening

The walking the dog and the making the food and the caring for the needs of those around us and listening to the cries within us

Home is the present

The saying yes to this life and its invitations

even though you’re not sure how it will work out

The releasing of the old storylines that get in the way.

Home is the saying yes and the saying no

So that we can be curated and crafted into whatever shape we desire life to be.

Am I am april ludgate? Then be her! Be snarky and cynical and love deeply what I love deeply.

Live at home in yourself

Unapologetic

And never apathetic,

But sing my song

And sing it louder,

Hear yourself

Shepherd this now into the wholeness of home. 


I’m here.

I’m always my own sense of home.

As I write, and walk and watch something on netflix.

As I connect or sit silent.

I am the home in which I seek.

I am the place and person I long to meet.

My inner committee communes,

And wants to know

What we’re doing next.

This isn’t a success story we’re meant to methodically tackle,

It’s an adventure we’re exploring,

And along the way

When someone gets hurt

Or someone’s hurt spills over into damaging others

We pause, we turn, we look, we say, ‘nope, not here, not like this.’

And we feel more of our courage,

Rising up,

We’re home, we’re our home, we always have been,

Why don’t those people arrive to themselves as well?

And our hearts break a little more

As we realize,

That so many people

Have forgotten their

Holy

Homey selves

And so they’re destroying themselves

And each other.

But this is my home

It’s me and I am.

Be you

Be yourself

Be your radiant, now rising up self.

And receive it.

This is my home.

I am my home,

And I receive me, deeply, completely, intimately, without retreating.

I like what I like

I want what I want,

I can name what I don’t want,

And I get to steward this gift of myself.

I can grow in my home,

I can rest as my home,

I can play in my home,

And sing.

What sounds fun to you,

Little one? This is home, this day and this way and all our ideas for play are accepted

Not rejected,

We are home.

Let's play!

I'm the where

and this day

I rise to meet me

bid welcome and greet me.

complete me

completing me

completely me

look and see

where

home has always been:

me.



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