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fairness and fairytales

Published on 25th July 2019



the contract

is broken

that never got made

“you promised”

in fairness

and fairy tales:

things would work out,

make sense

come together.

I thought I’d have

enough time

with loved ones

happy endings would stay happy.

but more than happy

I feel heartbroken

weary from being wounded

I look into my heart and soul

struggling to tell the story

still telling me

who I’ve been

and what’s truly

on the table.

Too early

they die

And too much loss

close together.

closing

the dreams lost;

dreams are harder to bury. 

dreams of having

an intact family

or

for parents to meet their grandkids

and vice versa

dreaming for a reconcile

that never arrives

dreaming of a longer life

and more days. 

dreaming simply

of a home

to lay in safety

shield my children

grow in play

not flee in terror. 

But there was never any contract

we have been tossed

and daily leap

into a great risk

an enormous gamble

that asks everything of us

and then some. 

What makes it worthwhile?

I keep thinking

turn a corner

find solitude from the heartbreak,

but as I walk

with open heart

more things seem to break it,

unfairness

loss

injustice

cruelty

broken contracts. 

Heartbreak grows. 

What makes it worthwhile?

these trips around the sun

that only gather

more parting and loss?

She helps tears rise,

softens my heart

as I grieve

a moment later

more 

abundantly open

more capacity of gratitude. 

she may be the stream

that slowly wears down the edges

and carves a path in the rock

of what was once

unpassable.

I sense I am more tender

and interruptable.

as Bella’s playful pup pushes

crawl their way to my shoulders

And she licks my nose. 

I pause longer to breathe

Take in the sound of water

The sweet splash

Upon my feet

I sit more anchored

When you tell me your sorrow

Knowing all too well

That when it grips you

There’s nothing I can offer

But sit with you. 

I know the extraordinary power of holding someone’s hand. 

I know the great grace it is

To encounter a child

Unburdened

by the heartbreak;

I am honored

Shepherded by their laughs. 

I spend more time

Investing in simple moments

With loved ones

instead of letting disappointment

overshadow and undermine

connection

Releasing them to their

Humanity

In love and compassion

Knowing they will

Not be here forever

To resent. 

I suppose even hope makes it

Worthwhile

That heartbreak is purposeful:

I begin to trust tools

Of tears

And safe space

As I marvel at the

Slow

Majestic

Work

of the Grand Canyon. 

And then there’s the

Sweet joy

Of breathing

Automatic

Yet deeply refreshing to sit and tune in. 

The way I love

How yoga feels

In my body.

Or a nice evening bike ride

At sunset. 

I suppose even as old dreams

Are a struggle to bury,

I now know myself

As a capable builder

For new dreams.

Heartbreak hands me

My tools

of creativity,

Presence,

And compassion,

With a smile,

She encourages me to build. 

She promises to guard the doors

From the unsafe and threatening,

And turns on my favorite song. 

Maybe instead of fairness

And fairy tales

I’m learning about forms

And being in the flow.

And faith,

That I will have

All I need

within me.



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